Sex for Dummies
by Solitaire and Xpyne
Summary: Information is hard to come by on the Journey West. Unless, of course, you're friends with the incredibly hot, longlegged Sha Gojyo. 93, implied 85


Disclaimer: Don't own Saiyuki, but that's okay. I've got my own manga series, yay.

93, with implied 85. PG-13, because 150 words doesn't give you much to work with. :p

I decided I have this problem of writing lots and lots of words, yet nothing actually manages to _happen_. I hate drabbles on principle, but I figured restricting myself to a set word limit would do me good. I started out doing 150 words each, then ended up with one at 216 which I just couldn't cut down any further. Strangely enough, all the other ones I couldn't finish in 150 seemed to fall into 216. ...Except for the two that are 250 words. And I cheat a lot with hyphenated words. But anyway. I was happier with the results than I expected.

I hope you enjoy it. Please let me know what you think.

_--kanjizai bosatsu gyou-jin han-nya ha sho-ken go on kai ku do issai soku setsu shu watsu--_

**Sex for Dummies**  
by Solitaire

Gojyo couldn't stand to watch this for much longer. They were laughing at the kid, for Chrissake. A town which hadn't been hit by the Minus Wave too badly (they were becoming fewer and fewer, the farther West they got), where there were actually teens around Goku's age, but the monkey was so far out of his depth, it hurt to watch.

It was pathetic, really. With a long-suffering sigh, Gojyo flicked his cigarette to the ground.

"Oi, Goku!"

The boy looked up, and Gojyo jerked his head to indicate that he should come near.

It _must've_ been uncomfortable with those other kids, because Goku came trotting over willingly enough.

"What do _you_ want?" he grumbled, his voice low and wary. Poor, naïve sap probably thought Gojyo wanted to make fun of him, too.

"Not out here," Gojyo told him. He jabbed a thumb towards the bar behind them. "Inside."

xxx

"The most basic of lessons," he offered magnanimously over his beer. Honestly, there were guys out there who'd kill for this kind of education. Or at least pay good money.

"What're you talking about?" Goku sulked, nursing his cola with the look of a man who was dejected and trying to pretend he wasn't.

"Vocabulary, for starters," Gojyo winced. "Essential biology, critical dos and don'ts." He leaned in conspiratorially. "Some _personal_ tips."

Goku stared, uncomprehendingly. Gojyo coughed.

"Sex, Goku."

It was pure luck, really, that Gojyo managed to avoid getting Coke spewed all over him.

"Wh-what're you-- Are you crazy?"

Gojyo imagined he was see-sawing between scandalized at the mere idea, and eager at the chance to _finally_ feel like he was in the loop.

"...Sanzo doesn't have any idea you're telling me this stuff, does he?"

Gojyo's grin was slow and wicked. "He will, when I'm done with you."

xxx

"One: a penis," Gojyo told him, and the kid turned five shades of red.

"I know that!"

"We're starting out slow, so your little monkey brain can keep up," Gojyo countered, and he held up a hand to forestall the argument he knew was coming.

"The second is usually a...lady's parts. But seeing as--pretty face and mood swings aside--Sanzo isn't a woman, nor you a womanizer, in the interest of saving us both some time, I'm gonna skip that lesson."

"What does Sanzo hafta do with this!" Goku demanded. Gojyo found him unconvincing, at best.

"Two: an asshole."

Face twisting into an expression of distaste, Goku protested. "Even if he _is_, sometimes, I don't see what that has to do with--"

The kid seemed to have discovered a new shade, somewhere between crimson and purple. Gojyo was impressed. A blush that fierce had to be painful.

"...Oh."

xxx

By the time he figured someone must be wondering where they'd wandered off to, Goku was looking a little worse for wear. But to the kid's credit, he hadn't punked out yet.

"...Okay, what're some others?"

Gojyo ticked off on his fingers. "Wrestling Cyclops. Playing the one-holed meat flute. Taming the trouser-snake. Bashing the bishop, choking the chicken--slap the salami, tease the weasel, polish the family jewels, put some mayonnaise on the knuckle sandwich, jack the beanstalk, pocket pinball..."

Goku couldn't seem to decide whether he was impressed or horrified. Maybe a little of both.

"Hey," Gojyo asked suddenly. "When you were younger, did Sanzo ever use that fan'a his to smack you in the ass?"

Goku gave him a 'what're you _smoking_?' look. "You mean, like, spanking? ...Yeah, sometimes, I guess. But what does that gotta do with anything?"

"Nothin', monkey," Gojyo assured him. Then laughed and laughed.

xxx

Goku fidgeted, looking anywhere but at him. "Okay, but _hypothetically_, say there was a person you...kindasortawantedtodothiswith. What, um, what should you do, then?"

Gojyo raised an eyebrow. He'd claim to be surprised, but the fact of it was, he and Hakkai had had something of a running bet going for the last three years.

"Oh hoho," he crowed, pointing a finger at the monkey with evil glee, "I thought that was somethin' only perverts cared about!"

"Shut up!" Goku growled. "No way am I pervy, compared to you! I just--" He fisted a hand in the front of his shirt, a nervous habit Gojyo had noticed he had. "Sometimes...it feels like how things are isn't enough, y'know?"

Ah, Christ. Of course, the kid had to go and make him feel all sympathetic and crap. And Gojyo had been having such a fun time yanking his chain, too.

"Okaaay," he drawled reluctantly, "this goes against everything in my better judgment, and if those two nags find out, we're dead meat, but I'll do a chimp a favor. I guess." Goku's face lit up and Gojyo grimaced good-naturedly, and fished in his jacket pocket for a cigarette.

"Cause god knows Sanzo might actually ease the fuck up if he gets laid," he muttered under his breath.

xxx

"Try looking up from under your eyelashes," Gojyo suggested, "or bringing attention to your mouth by biting the corner of your thumbnail, huh?" Flipping his hair over his shoulder, Gojyo demonstrated expertly.

"But Sanzo yells at me when I chew my nails."

Gojyo sighed. "Then the first knuckle of your thumb, how bout that?"

Goku tried it.

"...Okay, well now you just look nervous." Not that he wouldn't be, were he in Goku's place. As far as Gojyo was concerned, the kid was on a suicide mission.

"Argh, I can't help it! I'm totally nervous!"

Resignedly, Gojyo rubbed at the back of his neck. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all. Maybe in a couple years, when you're a little older--"

"No!" Goku protested, "that's not it. It's just...what if Sanzo freaks?" He lowered his gaze to his lap, twisting his fingers anxiously. "I don't wanna make him _hate_ me."

"He's not gonna hate you," Gojyo countered with a roll of his eyes. "He couldn't, if he tried."

Goku still looked concerned, but slightly cheered. "Yeah?"

"You're over-thinking this whole thing," Gojyo decided. "Look, you just worry about gettin' Cherry-chan into bed. (He's totally susceptible to your simian charms. It's a mystery.) What _I'll_ do is teach you how to keep im there."

xxx

For clarity's sake, they'd moved to visual representations. Gojyo was in his element; he wondered if Hakkai had it right all along, and there really was something to this teaching bit.

"What the hell's that?" Goku asked dubiously.

Gojyo felt his patience wearing thin, and decided maybe the whole thing was better left to Hakkai, after all.

"It's a person," he snapped, tapping the sheet of paper with his finger. "See the angry eyebrows and the divine _dot_ on his forehead?"

Goku squinted, tilting his head. "If you say so."

"Yeah, I say so, so pay attention, you little shit. This next part's important."

"More important than terminology?"

"Hell yes. Now listen up." Regaining his cool, Gojyo bent over the table and pointed with the pencil. "There are certain spots on the human--or youkai--body known as 'erogenous zones.'"

"Um, I got the 'ero' part..."

"Then you're halfway there."

xxx

"Where the hell have you been all day?" Sanzo demanded when he ran into his charge on the stairway, coming down from the second-story landing. "Not that I'm complaining."

Goku shrugged with affected nonchalance, and made an attempt to shift the food he was carrying behind his back. "Hangin' out with Gojyo."

A single violet eye narrowed. "...So what part of that necessitates a bushel of bananas?"

A surprised expression flitted over the brunet's face and he glanced down at his hand, as if he'd forgotten or maybe never even realized he was carrying them. Idiot. Goku slowly lifted his gaze to Sanzo's.

"I'm...hungry. Haha, you know me--I'm always hungry, my poor stomach!" The nervous edge to his laughter did nothing to assuage Sanzo's suspicions.

"And _that_?" Sanzo pointed to his other hand. "You don't like vegetables."

"Oh, no," Goku informed him readily, "the cucumber is for Gojyo."

xxx

"You and Goku have been getting along surprisingly well today," Hakkai remarked at dinner. It wasn't accusing, but then again, there was enough suspicion in Sanzo's glare for the both of them. Gojyo shrugged noncommittally, and passed Goku the plate of coconut shrimp.

Sanzo thumbed back the hammer of his gun.

"Christ, Sanzo, get a hobby, will you?" The redhead smirked conspiratorially over the rim of his beer can and nudged Goku's leg under the table.

Kicking back--_hard, _the little fucker--Goku quickly ducked his head, and Sanzo seemed to find this an acceptable enough reinstatement of normality to stash the gun back up his sleeve.

"If you two are such good friends, then," his Holiness sneered nastily, "you can share a room tonight."

"**Fine**," they answered in unison.

It was worth it, being sentenced to a night of Goku's snoring, just to see that expression on Sanzo's face.

xxx

"Ow, shit, no--the way I taught you, goddamnit!"

Goku's hands jerked away, as if electrocuted. "Okay, okay, sorry!"

Wincing, Gojyo turned to glare over his shoulder. "I told you, each person's different. You gotta feel em out before you go diggin' your fingers in. Shit." With a roll of his shoulders, he faced forward. "Don't know your own strength, do'ya, monkey?"

"Don't call me that!"

Gojyo's initial grunt of pain morphed into a groan, and his chin dropped to his chest. "Ah, yeah, that's the spot. Right there..."

"God, could you sound _any_ pervier?" Goku inquired sarcastically, but Gojyo wasn't listening.

"Oh yeeeah, I knew teaching you this would be a good idea. (Harder.)"

"But you just yelled at me for doin' it too hard!"

"Nah, I can take it now. Sides, it's a _real good_ kinda hurt."

Behind his back, Goku smirked. "So is this why Hakkai keeps ya around?"

"Hell no. I bring home the bacon. This's why I keep _Hakkai_ around."

"Is that so?"

The pair jumped, never having heard Hakkai enter the room.

"It's not what it looks like!" Goku protested. "Gojyo was just teachin' me to give a good backrub!"

The door shut behind Hakkai with an ominous click. "I think it's about time you two explained what's going on."

xxx

"Well?" Sanzo asked when he heard the door click open, then shut. "What're those two idiots up to?"

"Huh?" came Goku's voice, confused.

Sanzo's head snapped up. "What the hell are you doing in here? And where's Hakkai?"

With a shrug, Goku tossed his pillow onto the mattress, then belly-flopped after it. "He kicked me out. Said I was bein' a 'bad influence' on Gojyo, can you believe it!"

"Yes." Sanzo shook the paper, adjusted his reading glasses, took a deep pull off his cigarette, and finally scowled.

"What the hell are you staring at?"

"Why do'ya sleep in all your clothes, Sanzo? Isn't it uncomfortable?"

Sanzo looked at him as if he'd grown a second head. Goku absently raised a hand to the side of his neck to check.

"Maybe I'd prefer not to be caught stark naked, should any more of Kougaiji's lackeys choose to attack in the middle of the night," he snapped, irritated by Goku's idiocy.

And Goku **knew** spending all that time with the pervy cockroach had done something to him, because while before, the idea of naked!Sanzo fighting youkai would've made him laugh, now...huh.

"No one said you had to sleep _naked_," Goku mumbled, wiping at his nose with the back of a hand.

Sanzo frowned. "Is that blood?"

xxx

That night, Goku's dreams were desultory and unsettling.

He dreamt that Hakkai had given him a new book to read--which he did, sometimes--and wouldn't let him have dinner until he'd finished. Which was really unfair, because he was sooo hungry. But when Goku opened the book, he couldn't read any of the characters.

"Here," said Gojyo, approaching suddenly. He pointed to the page. "It's about the care and feeding of cicadas," and Goku realized he could understand it after all.

"Don't let Sanzo know you can read it," Hakkai warned.

"Why?" Goku asked, wondering how far he'd have to get through this book before he'd be allowed to eat.

"Because," Gojyo laughed, "he's not going to want you reading _his_ book."

"Have you guys read it?" Goku wanted to know. For some reason he didn't quite understand, the idea made him a bit jealous.

"Only parts," Gojyo admitted. "He always catches us right before it really starts to get interesting."

Goku was curious. "Do _I_ have a book?"

"Of course," Hakkai told him with a smile. "Sanzo has it. Though I'm not sure why..."

Gojyo shrugged. "Maybe he really is interested in the adventures of the Full Belly Brigade."

Goku had no idea what book this was, but he liked the sound of it.

xxx

"Didja get in trouble?" Goku wanted to know, the next day as they left the inn to purchase supplies.

Gojyo shot him an annoyed glare. "What, Hakkai's my wife now or something?"

"Or somethin'," Goku agreed, and decided not to mention Gojyo's limp.

"Shut'cher mouth, if you wanna hear the rest'a the words of wisdom I have to impart." Spending so much time with the punk was starting to wear on him. How the hell did Sanzo put up with this for seven years?

"Where're we going, anyway?" Goku demanded. "Isn't the general store that way?"

"We'll get there. First, we need to pick up a few 'supplies' of our own. Then we're gonna have a little safe-sex lesson."

"But Sanzo'n I are both guys! It's not like one'a us can...get pregnant."

Gojyo stopped and stared. "I hope you felt as stupid saying that as I did, hearing it."

xxx

"For the last time," Hakkai assured him, "I have no idea what they were discussing so intently. I couldn't get a word from Gojyo." He continued to sedately fold laundry into four neat piles, his back to the monk. "Goku may have been more forthcoming but, alas, I chased him off before I thought to ask..."

"Bullshit."

Hakkai shrugged, and peered back over his shoulder, smiling in a way Sanzo didn't think he liked. "I take it you couldn't get anything out of Goku, either?"

Sanzo 'hmph'ed and glared down at the map laid out before him on the table, as if it were the one keeping secrets from him. "He was babbling in his sleep about kanji and insects; it was weirder than usual." Sniffing, he stubbed out his cigarette. "(And that's saying something.)"

"I haven't the faintest," Hakkai agreed, and returned to rolling socks. "On a completely unrelated note, you don't particularly have any qualms about breaking your religious vows, do you, Sanzo?"

Pushing aside his half-eaten bowl of beef curry, the priest dropped his cigarette butt into the empty beer can in front of him and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms with a bark of laughter. "Are there any I've missed?"

"Oh," Hakkai replied cheerfully, "I can think of one."

xxx

"Okay, where're your bananas?"

"...I ate em," Goku admitted sheepishly.

"_All_ of them? Goddamnit, I told you to--forget it. Just use my cucumber."

Taking the cucumber in one hand and the little foil packet in the other, he glanced up at Gojyo uneasily.

"What're you looking at me like that for? Go on and open it." Gojyo leaned back in his chair and puffed at his cigarette like mad. Hell, he should'a had Hakkai do this part. At least Hakkai had the 'school nurse' vibe going for him. Gojyo just felt like a dirty old man.

Goku tore the foil with his teeth--a natural! Gojyo wanted to laugh--and pulled out the circle of latex.

"Alright, now place it over the head--um, top, the top of the cucumber. No, it's upside-down, turn it around...not the cucumber, dimwit!"

"Argh, you could at least show me once, you ass, instead of yellin' at me!"

"Fine!" Gojyo snapped. "Gimme that." Holding the vegetable steady in one hand, he positioned the rubber with the other, then rolled it down with a few quick strokes. "There, see? Easy as pie." _Cherry_ pie, he was dying to say, but he didn't want to set the kid off again. He then demonstrated removal and disposal.

"Any questions?"

"Um...no." Goku's slightly frightened gaze was still riveted to the cucumber.

"Good." Gojyo set it aside and rummaged through the shopping bag, pulling out something shaped like a small tube of toothpaste. "Let's move on."

xxx

He'd fought with Hakkai. Yelled, threatened, shot at the man. It didn't make any difference, in the end.

Yes, he was aware Goku was nineteen years old. No, he didn't really expect Goku to remain ignorant for the rest of his life. No, as a matter of fact, he did **not** think they needed to be having this conversation. Ever.

Yes, he realized he was perhaps being the slightest bit unreasonable, but he wasn't about to admit that one aloud.

Hakkai suggested that if Goku felt this way, it was because Sanzo had refused to put a name to their relationship: lack of definition meant an absence of strict boundaries and Goku, Hakkai insisted, could hardly be faulted for crossing boundaries he didn't know existed.

Sanzo suggested Hakkai mind his own damn business, and mind his kappa while he was at it.

So now he was brooding and smoking and trying to decide the best way to nip this in the bud. He would have to sit the monkey down and explain that there were different types of 'love,' and while some were appropriate under certain conditions, others were not.

Goku would probably fight. Yell, threaten, throw pillows at his head. It wouldn't do him any good, in the end.

You couldn't argue against superior logic.

xxx

"A kiss," Gojyo informed him all-knowingly, "isn't just a kiss. It's like an opening offer. Too stingy, and no one's gonna be interested in what you're selling. Too much too fast, and you're gonna scare em off with the reek of desperation."

Goku was hanging on his every word; Gojyo could practically _see_ him taking mental notes.

"Not too desperate. Got it."

Gojyo paused to reconsider. "Y'know, I can sit here all day and _tell_ you what it's like, but it won't help you much with the reality of it."

Goku wore a worried expression that didn't bode well for his vow of 'no desperation.' "But you promised--"

Gojyo waved him off with a leer. "What you really need is some practical experience."

"Wha-whodja--no way!" Goku hollered, both hands clapping over his mouth.

"Not with _me_, moron!" Gojyo snapped. "Ugh. Not even if you begged nicely **and** paid me." He flipped Goku off.

"Well then who?" the kid demanded, exasperated.

Gojyo shrugged. "We're in a town full of people. I'm sure you can find a few, nice girls your age."

Goku frowned hesitantly. "But Sanzo--"

"Probably doesn't know shit more about kissing than you do. Go find some girls." Gojyo made a shooing motion. "(And bring me cigarettes when you get back, will ya?)"

xxx

When Sanzo returned twenty minutes later, herding Goku before him at fanpoint, it was Hakkai who spoke first. Mostly because Gojyo was too concerned with coordinating breathing and not doing a spit-take.

"Did something happen?"

Sanzo slapped the fan against his palm, muttering through clenched teeth. "Something's _going_ to happen..."

"I don't see why you're so bent outta shape," Goku protested. "I wasn't hurtin' anybody! An' _she_ didn't seem to mind--"

The fan was a blur in Sanzo's hand, and then Goku was kneeling with a grimace of pain, clutching the back of his head.

"You two had something to do with this, didn't you?" the priest seethed.

"Don't know what you're talking about," Gojyo replied airily. "--Didja get cigarettes while you were out?"

The bullet kissed his cheek before lodging itself into the wall behind him.

"You--!" Sanzo growled, kicking Goku's ass toward the stairs, "are coming with me."

xxx

"Alright," Sanzo sighed, having positioned his chair to block any escape attempts. He rubbed the bridge of his nose tiredly. He had debated long and hard with himself, and come to the conclusion that the direct approach was best when one was dealing with stupid monkeys.

"I know what you've been doing with Gojyo, and I want you to cut it the hell out, because it's _not_ gonna happen."

Goku glared sulkily from across the room where he sat on the bed, and hugged his pillow tighter. "But I thought you'd at least--"

"No."

"But I--"

"**No**."

"But that's--!"

"Don't make me repeat myself again!"

"But _why_?" Goku demanded.

Sanzo glowered, turning away. "You'll understand when you're older."

"That's crap, Sanzo!" the brunet shouted, flinging the pillow to the corner of the room and jumping to his feet. "I understand just fine! _You're_ the one who doesn't understand. I'm not a little kid anymore, so stop treating me like one!"

"Oh really?" He cleaned out his ear with his little finger stolidly. "Maybe I'll treat you like an adult when I see you start behaving like one."

Which, in retrospect, was probably just the opening he was waiting for.

Sanzo struggled briefly against the embrace, but Goku was a characteristically tenacious teenager with youkai strength, and the monk finally surrendered, before he had a chance to embarrass himself further.

He was, Sanzo rationalized with Goku's wet, warm mouth on his and Goku's hand cradling the back of his skull, only human.

xxx

"It's awfully quiet up there. You don't suppose he killed Goku, after all?"

"Nah." Tilting his chair onto its back legs, Gojyo practiced blowing smoke rings toward the ceiling. "We would've heard gunshots. And screaming. Plenty of screaming."

"Strangulation, then?" Hakkai ventured, and Gojyo sighed, raking his hair from his face.

"You're so unromantic, baby."

"So you think Goku was successful?" the brunet asked with a small, amused smile.

"Even after you went and squealed to Sanzo? Yeah." Gojyo shrugged. "It was only a matter of time."

"Indeed?" It was said in an off-hand sort of tone, and Gojyo reflected that Hakkai was the only guy who could get away with saying something like 'indeed' and not come off pretentious.

"Well," he decided after a moment of silence, "if the monkey does a good enough job, we may actually get to sleep past dawn tomorrow."

Hakkai raised his glass. "Kanpai."

xxx

The rest was heat: the touch of tongue and lips, the scrape of teeth, the scratch of fingernails, and when it was all over, Sanzo knew he'd have bruises the next day.

At least Goku's shirt would hide the bite mark on _his_ shoulder.

But it was okay, the brunet assured him as they lay back-to-chest, ragged breaths mingling and their heartbeats finally beginning to slow, because they could do it again in a few minutes.

"What, three in a row isn't enough?" Sanzo griped, but didn't bother slapping away Goku's wandering hands this time. Sanzo knew an exercise in futility when he saw one.

"Sanzo," he sighed breathlessly, "I love you. Really, really love you. I'm super in-love with you."

"Idiot. Don't say 'super.'"

Goku grinned widely, and leaned in to kiss away that scowl until it became a hint of a smile.

"Super, super in love," he insisted.

_--gya tei gya tei ha ra gya tei ha ra so gya tei bodhi so wa ka hannya shingyo on ma ni hatsu mei--_

The stuff in parentheses was supposed to be in smaller font, but the site doesn't support that format. Ah well.

:hopefully: ...So?


End file.
